Growing Up with Mimi

Its hard sometimes, being the oldest grandchild in my family. I was the first for everything, first to walk, talk, go away to college. My relationship with my grandma is a lot different then every other grandchild. I was the one who officially named her “Mimi” when I made it up when I was little. And that’s her name to her other 11 grandchildren now too.  Whats making me write about her actually is that I have finally realized how much she means to me, how much she does for me and how much I would absolutely miss her if she wasn’t here. She lives right across the street and whenever im bored or I just want to talk to someone, all I have to do is walk across the street. She spoils me so much, I mean I am the first grandchild, but she really is the best grandma. Today she actually asked me to go get my nails done with her. I just love going out with her and talking, she is the best listener and even when shes being honest, shes so nice about it I cant even get mad. Actually I can never ever get mad at her because shes just too sweet. I cant even imagine not having her here, im dreading the day that she wont be.  But for now im taking advantage of having such an amazing Grandma and now that im older, she is one of my good friends. I see her about once a week, and that’s not good enough for her. She called me “stranger” when I saw her today and I saw her 5 days ago! She just knows how to make any person feel special and loved and that’s what I look forward to every time I see her.

I have some funny stories from when I was little and Mimi would babysit me while my mom worked. After one day of her babysitting me, I decided to go home and tell my mom that all she did was drink beer all day, meanwhile she has never had a beer in her life. Then I went on to tell my mom that she kicked me off the chair. I have no idea where I cane up with that stuff but it wasn’t true at all. We still talk about that till this day.  Mimi doesn’t forget anything. So be careful what you do or say around her. But that’s something I love, that she remembers things from when I was a baby and still likes to talk about it.

Happy or not?

Can you ever really be happy when your heart is telling you one thing, and your mind is telling you another? Can you ever really be happy when your torn in two?  Between what you want and what is the best for you? No, you can’t be. Or at least I can’t. it seems like it’s a lose, lose situation anyway I look at it. But I also just may be stupid. Either way it sucks. First boyfriends will always have spots in your heart, really no matter what happens. My mom still stalks her first boyfriend on facebook or google till this day, and they dated in highschool. So she understands why I still feel the way I do, even after he was unloyal. And yeah I may be dumb and naïve and whatever else, but im not going to deny the way my heart feels, even when I know better. Part of me wants to be with him and hope for the best, while another part wants to get him out of my life completely. But I am so torn that I haven’t been able to do either, I can’t decide. I might look like an idiot, but in the end I have to do what makes me happy. People may never be happy about it, and people may look at me differently but if I'm going to make myself learn the hard way again, then thats my decision and they can tell me "i told you so" afterwards. But i know i can't make decisions depending on how other people feel, i have to do it for me. And i have to follow my heart.

TRUE best friend.

Laura Holfester. my true best friend. we met in ballet when we were 4 and then started irish step dancing together from then. we grew up together through dance since it was so intense and we did it till we were 15 . we were always together at practice and at competitions that we had every single weekend. we traveled all over the world together for nationals and even to ireland for worlds. after i hurt my knee bad when i was 15 i stopped dancing, but we still stayed close. we would always talk and keep in touch even though we didn't see each other much. when we both started driving we started seeing each other almost every weekend, taking turns going to each others houses. she became the only one that didn't judge me, no matter what i did or said. she didn't make me feel bad, even when she was giving me a harsh honest answer. i can trust her with anything in my life and know that she will be there with me through thick and thin. her grandma is really sick and she is away at school at towson so i haven't seen her since school started. but i make sure to call her every night and see how she is. she's coming home next semester and going to hofstra. she wants to be home and closer to her grandma thats lived in her house her whole life. her family is like a second family to me that has been there for me and supported me as much as laura in dance and whatever else i loved to do. so seeing laura upset and her grandma sick makes me so upset too. but i know this friendship is going to last forever, because we love and care about each other too much to hurt each other in any way. we understand each other and we know how to make each other happy. i haven't really found that with anyone else but I'm glad i found it with her. some friends come in and out of your life, but the ones that will be there forever are there no matter what.

My Mom

as said by almost everyone, my mom is the best. but really, she's the best mom out there. we may argue all the time because we are way more alike then we realize and we but heads, but we get over it right away and its like we never argued at all. she is super hyper and doesn't ever sit down, and at dinner she makes sure everybody gets enough food and shell eat the crumbs if there isn't enough. she is the most generous person i have ever met, and she thinks about everyone and everything before herself. she gave up everything for my siblings and i, her job, her social life. and i don't think i would have had the same amazing experiences growing up if she didn't give up what she did. she decided that having a big family and focusing 100% of her time on us, is what she wanted and really loved. and she did better than any mom i know, raising 5 of us while my dad worked to pay for us. she fully dedicated and committed herself to making our lives so easy and making each and every one of us the happiest we can be, and i look at her and pray that i can be that way when i become a mother. i love her more than anything in this world and i know that sometimes i may not show it, but i do. and i want her to know that. seeing how important we are to her makes me realize how badly she wanted to be a mother and how badly she wanted to succeed. she would take a bullet for us and if we were ever upset or in trouble she would be the first one there defending us. this is more of a thank you to her, so thank you mom for everything. i really look up to you and love you. and i hope to be able to raise such amazing kids just like you did.

New Shoes

As I open the box the smell crawls up my nose,

 I remove the tissue paper that lies inside to dispose.

 They’re removed from the box and with anticipation I crinkle my toes.

 New shoes.

 I slide the shoe onto my foot, slip my heel in as I wiggle the tongue.

 With Nikes on my feet I always feel that I have won.

The Meyer Family

my family is insane. all the time. whatever it is that we are doing, we always make sure that we are having fun. we don't take too much that seriously and we always joke around with each other. well i shouldn't say my entire family, just my moms side. she was the oldest of 4 and they are all very close. my moms parents live across the street in the house she grew up in, her brother lives behind her and her 2 sisters live opposite ways down that same block. so it shows how close they were and ant to continue to be. we have a habit of playing pranks on each other so last year when we were at my aunts for a family dinner during christmas time me and my mom played the best prank. my aunt had her christmas tree up with a lot of ornaments, most them being those icicles. so me and my mom decided to hang up tampons on the tree to see how long it took to tell them apart from the actual icicle ornaments. it took her until she was putting the tree away to realize. so that is just a preview of some of the shit we do to each other. being the oldest grandchild in my family, i was the guinny pig for almost everything, and now I'm more of an aunt to all of my cousins because the age difference is about 12 years. i kind of like it though, because i have 12 younger kids, including my siblings, looking up to me.
one of my cousins just had a costume party for her first birthday. and being the crazy family we are, we went all out. my mom does absolutely EVERYTHING for us and she got us everything we needed. we decided to be the addams family and not to brag, but we were the best at the party. i  don't even know all of the names of the people in the addams family, but by our picture i can tell it was the best impression there could be. the relationship with my family is crazy and i know that but i would do anything for any of them and they would do anything for me, even if we had argued a minute before. being away at school, even though I'm not far at all, it is so different not having them around. i miss the loudness and the bickering and the tattling and our dinners together, thats why i try to stop home and surprise them as much as i can. i wouldnt ask for anything more.
but in the beginning when i said the relationship was with my moms side, thats because we haven't spoken to my dads parents in years. its actually sad and pathetic and i could not even tell you the real story as to why they ignore me and my 4 amazing brothers and sisters. but they are the reason as to why i am so against abusive relationships and domestic violence. my dad had to watch his mother get hit and screamed at growing up and he left the house when he was 18 because of it. my grandpa, who clearly had issues with being the only one in charge, took my dad leaving very personally and now they just do not speak. its sad, but its my grandparents loss. my parents made 5 beautiful, respectful children and its like we are not even alive to them, so they aren't alive to us. but enough with this its starting to piss me off. just take a look at what my parents have raised and the fun we have together, either as the Meyer Family, or the Addams Family.

My Eyes

When I see her staring back at me,
I see the spray of waves.
I see the sea foam grain,
It melts into the trees,
The lines in my irises.
When I see the forest of lashes,
I see the eyes that make me...me.
I watch the darkness and light creep.
I close them...I open them...
I see the tears build the sea when i stare.
Piercing in the reflection,
Begging for someone to realize.
I see the creases when I laugh.

I close my eyes and welcome the darkness again.

manhands.

so, we have to examine our hands. lets take a look at mine. man hands is all i have to say. they are bigger then my dads to start off and i have chubby lanky fingers. sports hands you can call them too, after jamming and spraining every single joint in every single finger from basketball and even soccer. my hands are pretty tan and veiny with scratch marks and fat, crooked knuckles. i have a scar on my left hand on my middle finger knuckle and a red birthmark right next to it. i also have scars from paper cuts because i always scar from the littlest scratches. on my left wrist i always wear my evil eye bracelet, my friendship knot bracelet and my pandora breast cancer bracelet. i don't even take them off to shower. there good luck, i have really bad superstition. its weird examining all the crevices of my skin, all the veins in my hand and all the blonde hair on my forearms. i have a bunch of birthmarks there that i didn't even realize. i should start doing this more often.

Will We Ever Know Who We Are?

Who am I? Now thats a question we hardly ask ourselves. Well lets start with the obvious. Im 18 from Seaford and I am on scholarship at Molloy for Track and Field. Im the oldest of 5 kids and I am very close to my family. I played soccer, basketball and did track throughout middle and high school. Now lets get to the real part of what you want to hear. I am very intense in whatever I do, whether its sports or work or anything for that matter. Most of the time people think I’m a bitch because that is the kind of “look” i have. I don’t mean for my look to be that way, its just how i am. So if you thought I was a bitch at first, im really not! I usually put a giant wall up, the most honest reason for that is because I was lied to and cheated on and made look like an idiot for two years. Haven’t shared that with many people but that is why I don’t let my guard down as easily as I used to. Hmm what else... Most girls are catty and two-faced so I have more guy friends then girl friends, I don’t have the patience to deal with girl drama anymore. Once you actually get to know me rather then being scared of my bitchy look I actually am a lot of fun. I have a really laid back attitude and i’m always looking to do whatever and have a good time. To be honest I am a huge mush and i get upset really easily and i can’t help it. You may not think it but I do cry, because I put way too much stress on myself and it just bites me in the ass. I am VERY honest and I am known to say how I feel instead of lie to someone. Because after being treated the way i was I wouldn’t want anyone else to feel the way I felt. It sucked! But since I don’t know how to wrap this up I’m just going to say I still do not know Who I Am and I don’t know if I ever really will.

My Favorite Place

One of my favorite places is Aruba. My family and I go every single year to the same hotel for our vacation. Having younger siblings, my parents always give the option of Disney World or Aruba...and it is always an anonymous Yes for Aruba. Its just such a beautiful place to be and it gets you away from all the drama and stress you may have at home. No contact with anyone, just you and the beach. Thats the perfect place for me. The excursions are the best there too...from horseback riding, to quadding on the beach and parasailing...you pick it they have it for you. Aruba is paradise to me and my entire family...last time we went we had a party of 23....we would have to rent out places for dinner we took up so much room!

My Special Something

My special something is a little doll i got the day I was born. Ive had it now for almost 19 years, and it comes everywhere with me. It's like a safety for me, I can't sleep without it at least in the room with me. The hearts on its chest is where my Grandma tried to sew up holes and made them into hearts. If you look at it closely, almost every part of it had to be sewed at one point. Yeah it might be embarrassing that I still carry around a doll, but I'm keeping it forever.

i hate the dentist

I don’t like the dentist.

Really do not want to go.

Getting x-rays today

Wonder what they’ll show.

Oh great, I have a cavity.

Now my face is numb.

He put that giant needle

Right in the side of my gum.

The drills start going, 

Going right into my poor tooth.

Told you I didn’t like the dentist.

Knew I shouldn’t have went.

Now I have to go to class with a numb mouth,

Sleeping is how those hours should have been spent.

Dinner at the Meyer's

Six o’clock, it’s dinner time,

we’re all called in to eat.

We rush to the table

and get in our normal seats.

Each of us start pushing and grabbing the food,

Dad gives us “the look” and were down in our seats for good.

So many conversations then start at one time,

every one of us trying to get in a line.

And with five kids squished into one room,

you have to expect food to be flying pretty soon.

Some potatoes and chicken fingers are thrown around,

Duck and cover now! Get to the ground!

This is a typical dinner in our household

Yeah, it might be nutty and crazy for most

So to you Mom and Dad, I give you a toast.

You deal with us daily and have raised us so well

we are closer now than ever, and hey, we know how to spell!

I hope you are proud of us, Mom and Dad

Dinner at the Meyer’s.......well it’s gunna be bad.

Life, how it should be

dream big and be yourself

do what you love, don’t listen to anybody else

work hard and try new things

dance like noones watching, and sing baby sing!

be happy and just live for today

tomorrow’s not promised, so laugh everyday

be grateful for what you’ve got

don’ bother being sad

trust in yourself and stand for what you believe in

even if you stand alone

and above everything else

MAKE EVERY MOMENT COUNT!

devil child

Being the oldest of five kids, there is always going to be at least one "devil child". In my family, that child would be the youngest; Matthew. Around the house he is destructive, minipulative and will not move a muscle until he gets what he wants. He drives my Mom absolutely insane. He recently went through a phase that he thought everything was going to get him sick, that he was going to throw up and die. he was terrified of throwing up, he wouldnt even go to the doctor. So when it came time to get a shot, my mom tried to bribe him. Being that he was learning about birds in school and really interested, my mom said if he went she would get him a bird. They came home with two. And now they do not shut up, as if we need more noise in our house. He is so bad at home, destroying everything, skateboarding, rollerblading and even riding his bike throughout the house. No wonder there's skid marks all over. But, on move in day i realized hes not really a devil deep down. With my car packed up and only the front seat open, i walked outside to see him buckled in. Being that he is only 9, hes too small to sit there so my dad made him get up, and he started to cry. That made me realize that the act he puts on isn't real...and that made me cry. And it makes me realize how much i miss the caios and craziness that goes on in my home. And how i would do anything for each and everyone of them.

Beautiful Trees

I stand alone in a giant field,

My rough skin covers my entire body like a shield.

My arms sway as the wind blows,

Which way they move, nobody knows.

As water hits me I get the chills,

When the weather goes crazy it’s a thrill.

I wonder sometimes how long I will last,

Others fall early and their lives go so fast.

I hope I stay strong and keep my body in line,

And have my colors change so I can shine.

Night Out

The beat hits, my eyes close.

My arms spread, my minds froze.

The lights flash, my minds blown.

paying close attention...or at least trying to

Concentrated awareness. Looking at anything more thoroughly and deeply. Making sure to really pay attention to all the detail there is. I bet no one does that on a regular basis, or on any basis at all unless we are told to do so. I know I didn’t until I was told to. It never really hit me though how important it is to pay attention, because you never know when something might be gone. 

As I sit here in the Fitness Center at Molloy for work study, I can’t help but realize how much there is going on in here. In one corner you have the meat heads, with their sweat and their grunts, staring at themselves in the mirror admiring their bodies, flexing their bi’s and tri’s. Talking about what girls they got that weekend and the next time they are going to Beachbum Tanning. Then you have the “girly girls” who just want to “stay in shape”, as they text and gossip while riding the bikes for 20 minutes then they are off to their nail appointment. Then the nerds, who need to something other than homework, trying so hard to do a sit-up or a push-up or lift a weight for that matter. Then there’s the athletes of the school. They know how each machine works and then move about as if they own the gym, filling out their workout schedules and making sure they are in shape for their seasons. I hear the weights dropping and the grunts released as someone finishes a set. I hear the rhythmic pattern of a runners feet hit the rubber on the treadmill and see the beads of sweat fall off of their faces. It seems odd to really pay attention but once you do, it is quite interesting and actually entertaining. Try it sometime, its funner than you think.

Ocean

shining like diamonds
waves crashing down on the sand
how many each day?

Pivot Questionnaire

Pivot Questionnaire

·         What is your favorite word?

My favorite word is douchelord. It’s a name I can call people without them thinking I am being a real bitch or really mean. It’s just a good word to call someone if they are pissing you off.

·         What is your least favorite word?

My least favorite word is the ‘c’ word. It is the most disgusting and degrading word a person could use. I really hate it and I would punch anyone who said it to me.

·         What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?

Being out of the ordinary and expressing yourself no matter what anyone thinks. Spiritually, you have to believe in yourself and follow your heart.

·         What turns you off?

It turns me off when people think they are better at being creative and can’t take any type of criticism.

·         What is your favorite curse word?

Mother Fucker

·         What sound or noise do you love?

Meeeeeeeeeeeep

·         What sound or noise do you hate?

Nails on a chalkboard, Styrofoam

·         What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

I would like to try to be a nurse or a physical therapist. Both of those get to help people and I love doing that.

·         What profession would you not like to?

I wouldn’t like to be a brain surgeon cause I wouldn’t want to be responsible if anything went wrong!

·         If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

I would just want him to accept me and welcome me and want me to be there when I arrive. Something along the lines of “welcome, nice to see you”.

Never Forget

Today is the 10^th Anniversary of the Terrorist Attacks on September 11, 2001. It is a day of remembrance and mourning for those who lost their lives on that day. I am sitting here crying watching this Tribute and listening to all the names being called of those who were lost. It took 5 hours to read the amount of people who were killed and who risked their lives for the lives of others. I cry for those who were lost and I cry for my bestfriend who lost her dad. We Irish Step Danced together since we were 6, seeing her lose her father makes me so much more thankful for mine. I watched her cry and scream and just be mad at the world for taking her father away from her. She has never been the same since. You don’t realize how much you have until its gone and seeing that through her made me grow up and appreciate more and more. She started to believe that she wasn’t good enough to be alive if her father wasn’t. She had more than one suicide attempt and she was sent away for a long time for rehab. It kills me to see my bestfriend go through this and I cannot imagine the amount of pain she still has. I remember talking to her once and she told me this:

“the day after, my grandma told me we had lost my father. Being only 8, the first thing I said was ‘let’s go find him’. I had no idea that meant I had lost him forever. I look back and see that as the day I lost my father, and grew up. He was my biggest supporter and not having him there anymore just crushed my heart, that’s why I was so down on myself since. But I have realized that no matter what he is watching over me and making sure I know he still loves me. I just don’t want generations now to forget that day, I want them to feel how victim’s families and friends felt. Not just read about it in a text book.”

I cannot imagine growing up without my father, he has been there through every sport game, injury, cry, illness. Everything. And on days like this where I am listening to people announce their fathers, brothers, sisters, grandparents or friends name that was lost, I thank God with everything I have for keeping mine here.

My Car

Let’s get started on this assignment. I am pissed, completely and utterly annoyed at Molloy’s rules on Residence Hall Freshman and their ability to keep cars on campus. We are not allowed. I was looking forward to dorming here and being able to have my car for whenever I just wanted to go home. I am very attached to my car and I like having the security of having it if I’m upset or sick and I just want to go home. I only live 20 minutes away and it is just an annoyance to ask my mom, with 4 other kids, to come and get me. I am also on the Track and Field team here and I would have liked to have my car to be able to get to the off campus practices. Now I have to take the shuttle. I begged everyone possible just to let me keep my car and frankly they did not care. “NO EXCEPTIONS”. But in reality I had to quit the two jobs I had by my hometown and I can no longer go three times a week to my chiropractor for my headaches. Once they become unbearable again I am getting a medical note and they better let me take my car back!!! I just think it is unreasonable because we are paying so much money to stay there and they can’t find extra spots for any freshman who really want or need them. It doesn’t make sense to me and I think its bullshit because it is a commuter based school. But I hope it works out in the end and I begin to like it more because I don’t want my freshman year to be miserable.